in a twist
Posted by Fab in little flowers of perpetual annoyance on Sunday, April 12, 2009
Another one for the flowers of perpetual annoyance...
I'm in a bad groove lately. I do hope to snap out of it soon. Just not that easy.
Pessimism. It's hard to overcome once you've fell head first in it.
The main question is of course, how did I get to this point of gloomy thoughts?
It is never just one thing. Well, yes, it starts with one thing, that leads to another and bam, before you know it you're questioning everything, everyone and without real reason to it.
I'm a bit unhappy in what I do. I don't feel validation or challenges anymore. I'd like to have something to set my teeth in, to process and think about. To have some sense of pride and accomplishing something. And as a result, to share my experiences and exchange ideas with others. This is one of the main things I've lacked in the past couple of months.
I have turned into a robot mainly: execute, execute. Insert order, process fastest execution pathway and execute. And the demands are too much. Now this is no way of getting satisfaction in one's work, is that? And it is so mundane the things I have to do.
Where has gone the creativity? Where has gone the exitement?
The problem is, that it has slipt through in other parts of my life too. Mainly by my own doing, but which I have only resently come to realize.
Cause what do you do when you lack confirmation? You seek it elsewhere. When your job has left you with a need, you want to satisfy that need by something else. You want to be satisfied by others. And that is where lies my mistake. You cannot expect confirmation from others just because you need it. You cannot expect others to fill in a void that you suddenly come to realize you have. First of all, others aren't mind readers. They don't know there is something you need. And then, is it fair to in a sense use someone to make you feel better? Use is a big word, and often enough it isn't really that. But if you really scrub the surface down to it, it is a form of using. Mostly, the key to selfrespect and selfhappiness starts with yourself. Others can only guide you, encourage you and show you the way.
My hunger, my need to get out of this "dip" makes me tend to put stuff under the looking glass. To scrupulize things where they don't need scrupulizing. I overanalyze. Knowing that is a big thing. Admitting that I tend to look for problems in area's where there shouldn't be any, is hard, but nontheless so. After I wade in my own misery for a while (which, yes, is all in my mind), I come to the realization that I overexagerate and have too much of a tunnel vision about my fears. Fears that are just fears. Not even reality.
And that is where I go wrong. I project my fears and then they might become reality.
Cause where there are no problems at all, by me going all gaga (cause being in a bad groove can make you so), I plant seeds in other peoples heads.
Am I a good friend? Am I a good sister? Am I a good daughter? Am I a good girlfriend?
How on earth can anyone really answer those questions? They have all passed through my mind this week. And why? I have tried to talk about my "funk" at work, of how the pression, the monotony and the dissatisfaction was getting to me. And a sentence stuck in my mind. It went: "You have to make a choice. Either you choose to put all your energy in pleasing everyone at work and this will ultimately take it's toll on your personal life. Or you do your job at a level where you do as you're asked to your abilities and nothing more, but put that energy in your personal life instead."
And the perfectionist in me says that I cannot and never have done things half ways. I want satisfaction out of my professional life. But true. I cannot do it. At this moment I am dissatisfied. I feel ignorant and dumb, while I know I am not deep down. And the fact that I have come to question my intelligence, has put my whole being in unballance.
As I started this post: I hope to get out of this groove soon.
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